Femme de la Femme

NOTE: It took me 4 days to put these thoughts/feelings on paper. I’m relieved, collected and defragmented… I feel so much less erratic.

So my confused, questioning friend–we shall refer to her as Femme de la Femme (FdlF) is between 24 and 27. She’s been single for 6 years (she’s been single since she finished her 3rd last level of education, since she learned how to say ‘no’ and not date boys she doesn’t really like). During those 6 years, she’s had crushes on boys. Now FdlF considers herself ‘bisexual’. The only problem with her ‘bisexuality’ is that whenever she has a crush on a boy, it’s ALWAYS Platonic/fraternal. She says she identifies with the way Phoebe feels toward Holden (and vice versa) in The Catcher in the Rye (J.D. Salinger). It’s very confusing for her. She’s never fantasized about marrying a boy before.

And she can relate to this article and this article when it comes to her crushes on boys. She admires Edwin van der Sar/Ruud van Nistelrooy, but she can’t picture herself having sex with them (well she’s ATTEMPTED Van Nistelrooy, it involved a co-ed soccer team. Go figure. LOL). She wants to be with someone who looks/sounds like Kate Moennig (and maybe Daniela Sea).

But even after reading this, she still insists that she’s bisexual because she likes to acknowledge the crushes she has on boys. The last crush she had on a boy was on a boy who’s already married. She just admires him, would want to hang-out/chat with him, go watch soccer matches with him, wants to impress him and looks up to him. The most physical she can imagine herself with a boy is cuddling. I mean seriously, she codenamed him ‘Frat Boy’. What do you expect?

Anyway, all this questioning started when she had this dream. All her life she’s never had a proper ‘naughty’ dream–when she does and it involves boys, nothing EVER ends up happening. So one day she decides to take a nap and she has the most mind-blowing, vivid dream with Jane Lynch who goes ALL THE WAY (which is kind of gross because Jane’s like WAY OLDER than FdlF, and Jane is WAY too old even by FdlF’s infamous age standards). She plays an awesome lawyer on a TV show, so I woke up feeling like an ‘airheaded-toy-boy’. FdlF does tend to have extremely vivid dreams. Once she had a really scary/painful Battle Royale-themed nightmare and she hasn’t finished reading the book since. What freaks FdlF is that all of this is happening in the back of her head. You can’t control what happens back there. Your subconscious just doesn’t lie. And it’s not like FdlF has ever meditated to make herself dream these things. And she’s 24 years older. And why does nothing ever happen when she dreams of boys?

It’s not that she’s a manhater! In fact I LOVE boys (esp. because boys are less likely to suggest chick flicks when we’re out on group outings at the theater). It’s just that I happen to also be a sucker for boobies (did I make you click? GOTCHA!).

Unfortunately, it never really occurs to these gentlemen to ask such a (how to put?) ‘effeminate-tomboy’ to tag along to see a soccer match. My favorite drink is still Baileys. ‘Effeminate-tomboy’ girls are freaks of nature. But… I am kind of ‘effeminate’ in a twisted way. Like, I do things that girls rarely do anymore. For instance, at the end of a play the other actresses bow, but I curtsey. I don’t own a single pair of dress pants and I dread blazers (I consider it ‘cross-dressing’). I do yoga (instead of some more interesting sport like soccer/tennis) because I don’t want muscles because muscles are mannish.

I’ve met some pretty amazing boys in the past 2 years: some were close, some would consider me an acquaintance. Regardless, I like them all. But I’d like them to remain friends (because pure, Platonic friendships seem more permanent and romantic relationships get messy and stuff). And I wouldn’t want to lose them, esp. the ones I met between 2006-2007. I like boys because they’re fun to be with. I like what they have to offer from the inside. Male bodies can be pretty boring to stare at (I’ve tried), no offense to any boys reading.

Remember that time when I posted “Feeling like an F-117A Nighthawk today: Silent. Lone. Invisible to enemies” on Twitter? Well I feel like that again right now (and I still haven’t unlocked the Nighthawk on Ace Combat X). I feel sad, I’m afraid my friends wont like me anymore. I find this depressing. I don’t know if I even want to live this kind of life, you can’t help but care what people might think of you. It’s too hard/complicated. Now I’m afraid of losing my friends.

So that’s my attempt to ‘defragment’ jumbled up thoughts on FdlF. It took me 4 days to put this all down on paper. I don’t know if I’m going to x-post on WordPress (pity you can’t put stickers in blogs). I swore I’d quit blogging, but maybe it would be good for me so I can practice blogging without being OCPD and obsessively proofreading.

Humeur actuelle: queer as f*ck
Musique actuelle: Under Pressure – Queen